I'm not sure if anyone will really like this.... It's kind of a fairytale, but reviews will be extreamly appreciated! Also not sure if this is the right spot for this....
Once upon a time. Whisper those words, for they are not of this world. They are the beginning of a fairytale, and whisper that word too, yes, the beginning of a fairytale, but not ours. Ah, if only the beginning of our fairytale were as simple as the words ‘once upon a time.’ But it is not, and perhaps that is what keeps us going.
Everyone has a once upon a time. Many, in fact, because time is now. Once upon a time, the world began. But what came before? So the words are a beginning, but not really. Not the beginning of everything. Just the beginning of now. Now, I am a child, and I can whisper those words. But as people grow older, they forget. They forget that they are part of a fairytale, and they can no longer say the words.
As you read this story, whisper the words, and know that this fairytale is real, that it is now. It is just a small story, and really doesn’t have anything to do with much. Until you look deeper, and brush away the thick layer of dust on these wrinkled, ink stained pages in your mind. And whisper the words…
Once upon a time…
There was a girl. Her eyes were blue, like sapphires, like the sky. Her lips were red like rubies, or like a dusky setting sun. Her hair was golden, like sun rays, and when she smiled, the world was bathed in warm light, because she, was the daughter of the Sun himself.
The Sun’s daughter was beautiful, yes, but she was lonely, as beauty often is. She sat in the gleaming tower all day and forever, because for her there was no night. She sat at the window and watched the fading horizon. For her it was always fading, fading away as the Sun’s castle rode away, always away. And though the day for her was always bright and gorgeous, she longed for the night so strongly that she feared her sobbing heart would drown inside of her. But the night was always on the opposite side of the world.
And on that other side, the Lord of the Night was the Moon, whose palace was silver as, well, silver is. And at the window, stood the Moon’s son, whose hair was sliver as his rays, and whose eyes, black as the night sky, gazed forever at the fading horizon, fading, fading always away. And though the night was sweet and tranquil, the son of the Moon yearned for the day so greatly he thought his weeping heart would flood in tears.
Sometimes, the Moon’s son would glimpse the daughter of the Sun on the other side of the horizon, and sometimes she would glimpse him, and when her indigo eyes met his charcoal ones, he knew that she wished for the night as he did the day, and they loved each other at once. They were the same.
The daughter of the Sun begged her father to let her go to the night, and the son of the Moon begged his father to let him journey to the day. But the Sun and the Moon refused. They told their children that it could never be, that the night and the day could never meet. The world was not made that way, they said, there had to be a balance.
But there was not a balance. Their sadness was so great, and their tears fell from the sky and drenched the earth in rain so thick that the Sun and the Moon could not be seen at all.
Finally when their Fathers could not stand it any longer, they consented. The Sun flew in his castle toward the night, and the Moon flew in his castle toward the day. The daughter of the Sun reached her arms out of the brilliant golden palace, as far as they would go, and the Moon’s son stretched his out to meet hers. The two palaces drew eagerly toward each other. Their tears dried in the wind, and the sky cleared.
The grandchildren of the Skys smiles were reflected in each other’s eyes. The world, the sky, the universe, waited in perfect stillness as the castles came to a halt and the daughter of the Sun and the son of the Moon each left their homes for the first time and ran to meet each other. All held its breath…
And then, the world went black.
Sadness is that thing you have in place of what you cannot. But it does not fill that empty space. Just adds to it. It’s a wish really.
The sadness of the Sun and Moon’s children was an impossible wish, for night and the day cannot be one.
For a few magical moments, the children were together, but by something they could not explain, they were drawn silently back to their palaces, and their fathers quietly flew them away. The Sun’s daughter leaned out her window and waved softly goodbye, and the Moon’s son lifted his pale hand in farewell. As a last tear dropped from their eyes, the Sun restored the day and the Moon the night, and the eclipse was over.
Although most fairytales end with a happily ever after, there are some which do not.
But this is not one of them.
Sometimes they would glimpse each other, at the other end of the horizon. And when the eyes of the Sun’s daughter met the eyes of the Moon’s son, they knew that they loved each other, and that was enough. They knew that the night and the day were not meant to be one, and never would be. But every once in a while, in that rare eclipse, they can be together again.
It has to be this way because there has to be a balance. Between sorrow and happily ever afters.
Did you whisper this story aloud as you read it? This fairytale? Now brush away the dust. Whisper the words, happily ever after…
........ I know it sounds a little childish... any suggestions?
-Sonja
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
wow
its like an actual fairy tale
it bet you could get it published after a few tweaks
Wow... that was amazing! I love fairy tales and myths. This is a fabulous mixture of both: I LOVED IT! I just wish I could have read this sooner to give a more helpful crit.
Keep writing, is all I can really say and I'll be looking for more!
- Ania
All I can say is...wow. I mean, it was a really good story. You brought a natural event, and made it something extraordinary. It was a fair amount of sadness, with the right style of happy, too. I'm a strong believer of fantasy and fiction, so this was just the thing I've been waiting to read. keep writing, and good luck!
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Try to see through peoples lives, and into their hearts, try to see through their minds, and what you find there, is beyond imagining. -Richard Preston
WOW! this was one of the few stories that have ever made me cry. i like thee mixture of natural events with the feelings of the Supernatural. it was one of those stories that steals ones heart and will foreer remain inside my heart, never to far from the edge of my mind. thank you for this sight into a new world.
WOW! this was one of the few stories that have ever made me cry. i like thee mixture of natural events with the feelings of the Supernatural. it was one of those stories that steals ones heart and will foreer remain inside my heart, never to far from the edge of my mind. thank you for this sight into a new world.
I thought this was one truly powerful piece of writing. Not what I expected at all, in a good way!
But I think it'd be good to change fairytale to faerytale, because however subtle the difference, faerytale works better with this story.
The way you obviously drew from some ancient myth was very good, not the way normal attempts at what seems a myth is at all. Usually, modern myth-writing comes out looking like a modern writing wearing a cheap disguise, but your piece feels like it comes from the same well of inspiration Homer and Vergil surely used!
-A.K.
Sounds like a good children's story. Would be great with a picture book. Its a little more advanced then 'Good night moon', but with a little fixing up for children. Through it is an interesting form of prose that definitely takes me back to the old fairy tale format.
Wow. Just wow. Can you send me an autograph? If I wait a few years, then when your famous I can sell for autograph for hundreds. You will be great one day.
Everybody else pretty much got the mistakes, but I just have to say that this story was really good! It puts a neat perspective on things. When I clicked on the title, I expected something completely different, but this was still pretty neat! Good luck with your future writing!
I enjoyed reading your story. I thought it was cool how you wove in the phrases 'once upon a time' and 'happily ever after' but you didn't just use them the same way as other fairy tales do, if that makes sense. Just a few little things...
Since I'm new to this site and I don't really understand computers anyway I don't know how to do quotes, but the phrase 'sadness is that thing you have in place of what you cannot,' while a strong point to make, seemed like it needed to be switched around just a tiny bit. 'That thing' should maybe be changed to a different sort of wording or maybe even just 'what' and also 'have' doesn't seem like a very strong word...maybe change it to 'possess' or something like that? The ending, 'you cannot,' seems like it doesn't bring a very final closing to the sentence, like part of the sentence is missing.
But other than that, the story was fun to read and I really like how the ending is different from other fairy tales - everyone doesn't just live completely happily ever after. It's a really nice story, it just needs that tiny bit of rephrasing.
Wow, that was lovely.
There were a couple of things that stood out that I'd prefer weren't there... but hm, can I remember them?
You describe the Sun's eyes as "indigo". To me, that would suggest night. Try azure maybe? Or something like that.
-Grandchildren of the Skies, not Skys. Also that whole sentence, though pretty, took me two goes to read.
Apart from that, I'm a sucker for fairytales.
I loved your beginning although on the whole, I felt it a bit detached from the whole thing. Like I loved the opening and the tale, but I didn't really feel they went together. Make sense or no?
But overall, beautiful.
Beautiful!
This is a lovely fairytale. Short, sweet, and yet with a lingering hold upon the reader's mind. My suggestions for bettering it are as follows:
Eliminate the two 'yes's from these sentences -
'They are the beginning of a fairytale, and whisper that word too, yes, the beginning of a fairytale, but not ours.'
' The Sun’s daughter was beautiful, yes, but she was lonely, as beauty often is.'
The extra yes's make the sentences sound as though they're being said by Gollum. He's a cool character, but not the type to tell a story like this in the way that you do.
As Periwinkle said, try to make the descriptions seem a bit more factual. Try reading the whole piece aloud to yourself, and take out or modify any sentences that sound awkward, or don't fit in with the kind of story-telling you're shooting for.
As for the story in itself, I don't think I could come up with any way to better it. You've done a marvelous job!
Wow. Your story absolutely captured me. I love it. There are a few places where it could flow better, but other than that it was wonderful. I love how you made it seem like it was a youth telling this to a younger sibling in the narration. I really quite enjoyed it.
Hello!
I'm going to review your story. I liked this story - a cute explanation for an eclipse. Aww...I'm not too keen on astronomy but they only get to see each other every four years? Gee...poor kids. I noticed a few things, however, that you might want to fix:
I think your using parallelism, but I'm not quite sure. This introduction seemed repetitive to me. Maybe you should substitute fairytale for tale or story every once and a while.
I think you can make this description more powerful by using metaphors instead. Making it a "fact".
I think you should scrap the end. I think it's too informal for what you originally seemed to be going for.
*pulls out trust 64 pack* Okay, okay...wikipedia. This is rather insignificant but indigo is more purplish. I think you should use azure if you want to keep the similarity between her eyes and the sky.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indigo
that story gave me a magical feeling how did you do this
it also brought tears to my eyes